PIcking Myself Up By My Bootstraps...

The first few hours after Chris leaves are always very intense. Basically the overwhelming feeling is panic. It's strange and it always catches me by surprise. I expect to be sad, I expect to be determined. I always, always forget the panic. Today while looking forward onto a fairly long period of time without him, I sort of felt like the wind got knocked out of me a bit.

But I have managed to get through an entire nine hours without him so far and pretty soon I will head off to bed, having survived a day. One then once one day is over, the next one starts and then ends and before you know it, this whole thing is a distant memory.

People approach the initial send off in different ways. Some people like to take their "other" to the airport, others like to stay home and not deal with the emotional intensity that occurs there. We have always gone to the airport together (in fact we have a wonderful, long standing joke about this that makes it sort of fun). In the past, I have both scheduled a million things for the hours after and scheduled nothing at all, wanting to be alone with the feelings.

I toed the line today. I made no plans ahead of time, but called a good friend of mine who has a daughter Zoe's age first, figuring the distraction would be good for both of us. We had a very casual day. Luckily the sun was shining and I was able to soak up some much needed Vitamin D. I also made plans to have dinner at Panera Bread with my sister in law and nephew, who always cheer me up.

We left everyone at about 6:30 and drove home before the girls' bedtime. This gave me time to cuddle, change and feed Abby and then to read, snuggle and talk with Zoe. It was a great mix of busy and calm. Everyone is sound asleep now, including the dog, who is always unhappy when she realizes that Daddy isn't here.

I am left alone with my emotions and I have had some ups and downs so far. The hardest part isn't that I have to be self-reliant. The hardest part isn't the loneliness. The hardest part isn't the work involved. The hardest part is just missing the person who I love talking to, adore listening to, and who pushes me when I need it. But I digress into cheesiness.

I have scheduled appointments with some baby sitters tonight. I do have in laws an hour or so away, but I think I need to have some back  ups in case of emergency and for sanity. I am also trying to schedule some classes for January and will need some help with Abby then.

On a lighter note, I am reading "The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest". It's a fantastic book, the final in the series. And with Chris gone, I am finally going to finish it. Not a fair trade off by any means, but I am trying to look on the bright side here.

A Brief Q & A About the Upcoming Deployment

I have received a variety of questions/comments about Chris' upcoming deployments and I expect my blog posts will pick up as a way of keeping him in the loop. I am going to just address some things that I have been asked or told so far.

Q: He is out of the army. Why is he going back there?
A: Yes, he got out of the army. And while in the army, he did all of the things he was supposed to (got a Bachelor's Degree and a Cisco certification) and he was fortunate enough to get a great job in this economy. That job kind of expects people to take their "turn" overseas and it's good to get it over with early on.

Q: Well, I imagine it will be easier since he is "just" a contractor.
A: Anytime we are separated is difficult on all of us, whether he is overseas or one state over. However, this is something that we have become good at and we will get through this. I also get just as pissed off at this comment as I did when people told me that I was "just" his girlfriend, "just" his fiance, or that he "just" did shorter deployments. None of this makes a freaking difference. One day is great, the next one sucks. And there are tons of Navy wives who go through this all the time when their husbands are on subs or on a ship and I can only imagine how aggravated they must feel when being told "at least" their husbands aren't overseas.

Q: Isn't that a really horrible thing to do to the kids?
A: Well, we had a lot of difficult choices to make. Staying in the army would have been pretty difficult given some situations with the housing market and our condo in Florida. We wanted to give them a house with a yard and great schools, and so we are sacrificing to make that happen.

Q: But don't you think the industrial-military complex is just soo messed up? You are profiting from the war.
A: How I feel about the industrial-military complex will always come second to how I feel about my family. And I find this vaguely insulting. Contractors actually outnumber soldiers on the ground in Afghanistan right now, and I think that it's great that some very overworked soldiers (who have done multiple deployments with little rest) get to be home for a change. And while I have some issues with the concept in general, I can't help the fact that it's the reality of the world.


So that's that. I am having some difficulty figuring out how this is all going to go, and how and if it willbe different from being a military spouse. I am sure that some things will be much easier and others might be somewhat harder.

The bottom line in all of this: I support my husband, who is doing an extraordinary thing to take care of his me and our daughters.