If I could just squeeze in there...

Maybe they could send me to daddy!


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PIcking Myself Up By My Bootstraps...

The first few hours after Chris leaves are always very intense. Basically the overwhelming feeling is panic. It's strange and it always catches me by surprise. I expect to be sad, I expect to be determined. I always, always forget the panic. Today while looking forward onto a fairly long period of time without him, I sort of felt like the wind got knocked out of me a bit.

But I have managed to get through an entire nine hours without him so far and pretty soon I will head off to bed, having survived a day. One then once one day is over, the next one starts and then ends and before you know it, this whole thing is a distant memory.

People approach the initial send off in different ways. Some people like to take their "other" to the airport, others like to stay home and not deal with the emotional intensity that occurs there. We have always gone to the airport together (in fact we have a wonderful, long standing joke about this that makes it sort of fun). In the past, I have both scheduled a million things for the hours after and scheduled nothing at all, wanting to be alone with the feelings.

I toed the line today. I made no plans ahead of time, but called a good friend of mine who has a daughter Zoe's age first, figuring the distraction would be good for both of us. We had a very casual day. Luckily the sun was shining and I was able to soak up some much needed Vitamin D. I also made plans to have dinner at Panera Bread with my sister in law and nephew, who always cheer me up.

We left everyone at about 6:30 and drove home before the girls' bedtime. This gave me time to cuddle, change and feed Abby and then to read, snuggle and talk with Zoe. It was a great mix of busy and calm. Everyone is sound asleep now, including the dog, who is always unhappy when she realizes that Daddy isn't here.

I am left alone with my emotions and I have had some ups and downs so far. The hardest part isn't that I have to be self-reliant. The hardest part isn't the loneliness. The hardest part isn't the work involved. The hardest part is just missing the person who I love talking to, adore listening to, and who pushes me when I need it. But I digress into cheesiness.

I have scheduled appointments with some baby sitters tonight. I do have in laws an hour or so away, but I think I need to have some back  ups in case of emergency and for sanity. I am also trying to schedule some classes for January and will need some help with Abby then.

On a lighter note, I am reading "The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest". It's a fantastic book, the final in the series. And with Chris gone, I am finally going to finish it. Not a fair trade off by any means, but I am trying to look on the bright side here.

A Brief Q & A About the Upcoming Deployment

I have received a variety of questions/comments about Chris' upcoming deployments and I expect my blog posts will pick up as a way of keeping him in the loop. I am going to just address some things that I have been asked or told so far.

Q: He is out of the army. Why is he going back there?
A: Yes, he got out of the army. And while in the army, he did all of the things he was supposed to (got a Bachelor's Degree and a Cisco certification) and he was fortunate enough to get a great job in this economy. That job kind of expects people to take their "turn" overseas and it's good to get it over with early on.

Q: Well, I imagine it will be easier since he is "just" a contractor.
A: Anytime we are separated is difficult on all of us, whether he is overseas or one state over. However, this is something that we have become good at and we will get through this. I also get just as pissed off at this comment as I did when people told me that I was "just" his girlfriend, "just" his fiance, or that he "just" did shorter deployments. None of this makes a freaking difference. One day is great, the next one sucks. And there are tons of Navy wives who go through this all the time when their husbands are on subs or on a ship and I can only imagine how aggravated they must feel when being told "at least" their husbands aren't overseas.

Q: Isn't that a really horrible thing to do to the kids?
A: Well, we had a lot of difficult choices to make. Staying in the army would have been pretty difficult given some situations with the housing market and our condo in Florida. We wanted to give them a house with a yard and great schools, and so we are sacrificing to make that happen.

Q: But don't you think the industrial-military complex is just soo messed up? You are profiting from the war.
A: How I feel about the industrial-military complex will always come second to how I feel about my family. And I find this vaguely insulting. Contractors actually outnumber soldiers on the ground in Afghanistan right now, and I think that it's great that some very overworked soldiers (who have done multiple deployments with little rest) get to be home for a change. And while I have some issues with the concept in general, I can't help the fact that it's the reality of the world.


So that's that. I am having some difficulty figuring out how this is all going to go, and how and if it willbe different from being a military spouse. I am sure that some things will be much easier and others might be somewhat harder.

The bottom line in all of this: I support my husband, who is doing an extraordinary thing to take care of his me and our daughters.

My life never feels as overwhelming as it seems when I write it all down

It's been a long time since I have felt compelled or inspired to do more than just the monthly and event posts for the kids. I think a lot of that was just Abby not wanting to go to sleep at night and me falling into an exhausted heap right behind her. Now that she goes to bed reasonable early and Zoe follows a few hours later, I atually have some time to myself. It's amazing!

We have moved and settled into our brand new house. It is so amazing to love where I live. I feel so at peace here and I am remembering so many of the things I always loved to do. I guess somewhere around nine months after a baby is born you suddenly sort of look around and remember who you are.

And a ROUGH and busy nine months it has been. We moved when Abby was three weeks old, which means the movers came and we cleaned the condo out when she was two weeks old. No matter how hard I tried to take it easy, there was always something to do. That coupled with the fact that Abby only very recently started sleeping the night just kind of made me not myself for a lot of the last year. And I don't really like that feeling, but those days are behing me and I definitely feel much cheerier these days.

I am obsessed with the little town where we live. It's a strange and wonderful place. We have pretty much no chain restaurants, but it's still big enough that you would expect it. We have a waterfront downtown area, and they have now zoned most of it that you have to have a full five acres to build a new home. The school Zoe attends is just unbelievable. I love the small town feel around here so much. Yesterday our neighbors down the street picked their daughter up from the bus stop on their horse! It was great to watch the horse walk past my front door (thankfully not pooping right there!).

Chris and I got to go away for the weekend without the kids last week, and that was just as amazing as you would expect it to be. We stayed at the Renaissane Clubsport outside of San Francisco. It was very strange being away from the kids for so long, but they were in good hands and it was really good for us.

It was especially good for us because we are closing in on yet another deployment. Chris is headed to Korea for about a month at the end of this month and then will be heading back over to Afghanistan in early December for about a year. I am having a hard time verbalizing my feelings about this, and it may  be because it hasn't truly sunk in for me. It's going to be hard being in a new place without any nearby friends or support. His family is a little over an hour from here, so I do have them in case of an emergency but I don't have any "let's grab coffee" friends nearby.

As for making friends, it is so hard when you are an adult! It seems like I become the most awkward and strange person whenever I meet new people. I think I definitely take some getting used to. I manage to say all the most inappropriate things. But I am confident that if I stop being so lazy about it (and really attend those mom groups, etc instead of just thinking it would be a good idea) then I will make some friends.

And I miss my people in Florida. A lot. I miss my mom and dad and my Jessica and Carol and my brother's family. But I love it in Washington. I love my house and my town and the school here. I love the fall and the cold weather and the wild blackberries that grow all over everything. I wish I could somehow merge the two because I feel a lot of guilt about not being able to be there for people on the East Coast sometimes.

This has turned into something much longer than I intended but I guess it's good I got the baseline information out of the way so that I can just jump in with thoughts from here on out.

And now, for those of you who haven't read this far but just want a quick glimpse of my life's recent goings ons:

Happy Nine Months Aberdeen!

Dear Abby,

Let's start with the most important thing: THANK YOU! Thank you for letting me sleep through the night. It took eight and a half months, but we are finally there. By the night, I mean you still wake up at four am but you sleep from 6:30 until then so we are all much happier people. The renewed energy

We have moved into our new house, and it has been wonderful for you. You love to crawl and explore everywhere. You are trying to get up all the time. You put your hands in front of you put your feet on the ground and try to get up. You also cruise around the furniture. We don't think it's going to be long now.

You are also a champion babbler. You are definitely saying momma and dada and it's directed at us. When daddy gets home from work, you immediately start yelling at him and waving your little arms like you are trying to fly until he gives you his attention.

Speaking of the arm thing, it's hilarious. Whenever you want anything, you turn into a bonafide windmill. It happens when you want out of your crib, when you want me, when you want a ball, when you see your sister getting off the bus or when ANYBODY has food.

You loove to eat. You manage almost half an avocado, and do a funny little song where you hold up whatever you eat. You also really love to plant your mouth on an apple and suck the juice out of it. It also makes for a hilarious sight.

I can't even stand how much I love you most days.

Love,
Mommy

Zoe, My Little Kindergartner

The dreaded day has come. You have started kindergarten. I tried to tell you the day before that I wasn't going to let you go, and you should have seen the indignant look that you gave me. You tried to tell me that I didn't have the authority to do that and I told you that I wouldn't let you go. You told me you would go anyway, so I asked who would drive you. You then said you would walk, and I told you that you didn't know where to go. So then you told me that you would get a map. This exchange quieted any doubts I had that you were absolutely ready for a kindergarten adventure.

The first week was a little bit strange, because we didn't close on our new house until the 5th day of school. So the three of us drove an hour out to school each day. The first day we decided to have lunch before school but out in Port Orchard. I told you that you could choose anything you wanted, and you decided that you wanted to go to the grocery store and get a cheese block and a mixed berry cup. I got sushi and we shared everything. It was a pretty perfect meal.

And yes, I was that mom. The one who cried dropping you off and again waiting anxiously in the hallway for you at the end of the day. You ran into the classroom and didn't look back. You had learned the ways to sign in at open house and you quickly executed everything and basically kicked me out of the room. You were thrilled to have a friend named Abby.

At the end of the day, I tried to drill you about everything that had happened, but you were shockingly quiet. We have gotten a lot more out of you since then.

You are now ten days in, and you absolutely love school. We have been getting work home, and you are writing "stories" with sketches and writing your name and the date on everything. Today was popcorn day, and all the kids bring a quarter and get a bag of popcorn. You told me that your friend Shea didn't have any, so you shared with him because nobody else would. I have to admit, I also got a bit teary eyed in that moment. I am very proud of your emerging empathy.

Your stories are hilarious. You keep telling us about the "graders", who are anyone who isn't a kindergartner. You seem to hold them with a certain reverence and actually came home one day and said that a grader had spoken to you at recess and you didn't know what to say. But then a grader hit you on the bunch and you hit him straight back, so I guess you weren't all that intimidated. That was a tough parenting moment, where I was caught between telling you not to do that and being proud that you had stood up to a fifth grader.

You are all YOU, zoe. I don't know a better way to explain it than that. You have our hearts. Totally and completely.

Love,
Mommy

Seven Months...

Dear Abby,

So I am a few day's late with this update but life has been kind of throwing a lot at us these days! You are a mover and a shaker now. By mover, I mean that you are scooting, climbing, wiggling, army crawling and just generally antsy. By shaker I mean that you are starting to dance and sway to music, an absolutely adorable talent!

You are talking and babbling incessantly, it looks like you are going to give your big sister a run for her money someday. You can say hi and kind of wave. You smile and everyone and burst into a smile that looks like it's too big for your tiny face to contain. You then burrow your way into the chest of whoever is holding you at the time.

You try so hard to keep up with the big kids. Zoe loves to make you laugh by playing peekaboo and you come alive with excitement upon seeing her in the morning. Your big cousin Dominic loves to make you laugh by essentially hurting himself. He will throw himself on the ground for hours if he thinks it's entertaining for you!

You and the dog are the best of friends. You are still feeding her everything you eat, especially your cheerios and mum mums. The dog ate apart your net feeder, where you love to have frozen bananas. You two play, crawl around each other, and last night you both fell asleep cuddled into daddy's lap. It was a scene so cute I very nearly died!

You will finally take a bottle and are slowly weaning away from mommy. I am highly conflicted about this. I am enjoying the greater independence, but miss that feeling that I am providing all the nutrition for you and the bonding that comes along with it. The weirdest thing about you taking a bottle is that you insist on sticking  your fingers inside of my mouth when I feed it to you. It's like you have to give me something since I am giving it to you.

Sleeping was getting a tad bit better until the last two nights when you decided it was party time all night. You love to YANK on my hair, so hard that it hurts while you are going to sleep. Makes for a rough night sometimes.

Mostly, I love you. It's just that simple. I love slowing down and appreciating every little thing about your baby days. I am in absolutely no hurry for you to do anything or go anywhere. I know you are our last little baby and I know that I want to remember the way you sound when you are eating and the pretend cries and the way you get your feet out of the most complicated blanket sleepers.

Love,
Mommy