The first few hours after Chris leaves are always very intense. Basically the overwhelming feeling is panic. It's strange and it always catches me by surprise. I expect to be sad, I expect to be determined. I always, always forget the panic. Today while looking forward onto a fairly long period of time without him, I sort of felt like the wind got knocked out of me a bit.
But I have managed to get through an entire nine hours without him so far and pretty soon I will head off to bed, having survived a day. One then once one day is over, the next one starts and then ends and before you know it, this whole thing is a distant memory.
People approach the initial send off in different ways. Some people like to take their "other" to the airport, others like to stay home and not deal with the emotional intensity that occurs there. We have always gone to the airport together (in fact we have a wonderful, long standing joke about this that makes it sort of fun). In the past, I have both scheduled a million things for the hours after and scheduled nothing at all, wanting to be alone with the feelings.
I toed the line today. I made no plans ahead of time, but called a good friend of mine who has a daughter Zoe's age first, figuring the distraction would be good for both of us. We had a very casual day. Luckily the sun was shining and I was able to soak up some much needed Vitamin D. I also made plans to have dinner at Panera Bread with my sister in law and nephew, who always cheer me up.
We left everyone at about 6:30 and drove home before the girls' bedtime. This gave me time to cuddle, change and feed Abby and then to read, snuggle and talk with Zoe. It was a great mix of busy and calm. Everyone is sound asleep now, including the dog, who is always unhappy when she realizes that Daddy isn't here.
I am left alone with my emotions and I have had some ups and downs so far. The hardest part isn't that I have to be self-reliant. The hardest part isn't the loneliness. The hardest part isn't the work involved. The hardest part is just missing the person who I love talking to, adore listening to, and who pushes me when I need it. But I digress into cheesiness.
I have scheduled appointments with some baby sitters tonight. I do have in laws an hour or so away, but I think I need to have some back ups in case of emergency and for sanity. I am also trying to schedule some classes for January and will need some help with Abby then.
On a lighter note, I am reading "The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest". It's a fantastic book, the final in the series. And with Chris gone, I am finally going to finish it. Not a fair trade off by any means, but I am trying to look on the bright side here.
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